Behind Brown Eyes..

This song..I heard it once, or maybe twice during secondary school..but the melody and lyric were implanted into me even till now..there isn't any connection between the wordings and myself nevertheless, I found it very attached to my memory..I'll let you guys explore it yourselves here..

"Behind Blue Eyes" -Limp Bizkit

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

[Chorus]

Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4]
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

I don't know how you felt but I'll tell what I feel from listening to this particular song..Strength, wisdom and will-power.. while everyone around you is probably the enemy, critics, back stabers or even someone who's invisible, detestable and etc, there is still a story behind each and every one of them..people may not seem like what we thought they might be..driven into a corner and then taking a path which changed them forever..but deep inside, he's still the same..if you could spare some time and listen, you'll see what's behind those blue eyes or green or brown or any colour at all..what say you??

I'm Back!!

my broadband have been fully revived..hahaha..I'm so damn happy..it's time!! ^o^

Waiting =_="

I hate waiting..call me impatient, but I cannot stand sitting idle waiting for things to come..haha..I'm waiting for my NEW broadband to be activate actually..that's why it's so hard to stay calm and steady for the next day to come..f.y.i, I need to wait for 24 hours before I can start using the NEW sim card and modem..haih..really can't wait ^^

Rain Falls..

it's raining outside and I'm laying around doing nothing..so I decide to dedicate a post to one of mother nature most important gift for all living thing..I'm sure most of you learned about the process involved in the "how rain cloud was formed" topic during science class..you should also knew about the importance of rain whether from similar lessons or from personal life experiences..let's skip that part and move on to what is the relationship between the rain and me since I was willing to make a tribute for it..hehe..actually, I am a rain-man..just kidding..but the rain and I, we went back way long..ever since I was a kid, I had pleasant memories when involving the rain..I always went out during the rain with the excuse of cleaning the drain around my house as for the fact I went "swimming" in all the puddles formed by the rain..how I love playing in those watery holes those days..even more than going swimming in the sea..while the sun make the air hot at the beach, the atmosphere during the rain is cold and truly refreshing..I will lay down facing up to the sky and let the rain drops fall down onto my face..the effect is very trancing to me..I can lay there and let the water comfort me through out the rain..it felt like me and the universe will then coexist and be as one until the last rain drop fall..luckily my parent wouldn't let me out during thunder storm because to me that time it didn't matter as long as it rains..if they had not forbade me back then, I'll probably wouldn't be here right now..hahaha..I had never even once fell sick because of exposure to the rain unlike the common belief..I think the rain and I must had reached an understanding at that moment so it'll let me go unharmed every time..well maybe..
now that I've grown up..the rain had become more of a burden than a blessing..it hinders my activities and sometime causes inconveniences..but, what bother me the most is this melancholic feeling I felt during rainy time as of now..while I sit and listen to the many sounds of rain falling, bugs and frogs croaking I suddenly sensed that I'm somewhat empty..I experienced loneliness like never before..a feeling that is hard to describe using mere words or languages..it felt so strange and distant yet it's there..I think that pretty much I had the idea of what I'm missing but that is just a theory I've yet to try..then again, there are also time I felt like looking outside while sitting near the windowsill..I'll regained a familiar emotion similar to seeing a very old childhood friend or something like that..while I stay there and listen as she told me the tale of her travels and experiences(a girlfriend is more preferable to me XD)..I thought that if I look really hard at the rain, I'll see a vague figure standing there chatting to me..hehehe ^_^

Procrastination..

Been thinking about going back home today..but here I am..still in this foreign land..haha..I'm an excellent procrastinator after all..I've decided I'll go back this coming Friday then..I've got a few more things to be taken care of before I go back(that's just an excuse XD)..why haven't they invent a teleportation system by now..that'll make everyone life much easier..sigh =_=

Attention-Seeking Personality Disorders..

I was out surfing the net as usual..with nothing much to do I'm getting near the limit of my boredom tolerances..still I keep on surfing with out any specific goals in mind..then a thought pop out into my mind..and when I became aware of that what that thought could have meant, I started to Google up information regarding this topic I'm typing..I seek to better understand myself, so I can stay in control most of the time..yet, there is always seems to be some part of me that I didn't familiar with or even realize it's there..most people doesn't even know themselves as much as they think they do..enough then..

Attention-seeking personality disorder is most common among woman..but that doesn't mean that a guy couldn't be suffering from the same disorder..after all, human being is a social creatures which need to attain approval and self-gratification through the mean of interaction..the feedback they got will then ascertain whether they felt validated or not..a person with matured emotional intelligence will have no need to go all out for this since they'll find it in everyday life cycle..but, when the person emotion is not yet matured sent loose into the outside world, he/she will felt insecure, have low self-esteem and almost no visible self-confidence at all..these people will then be tempted to conspirate(just like the sound of this) a situation where they can gain the attention and gratification which they need the most..according to an online reference  "insecure and emotionally immature people often exhibit bullying behaviours, especially manipulation and deception"..there are also several channels or methods used practically by almost everyone to seek attention according to http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm ..these methods includes the perpetrator playing a roles in which described below :

• The sufferer: this might include feigning or exaggerating illness, playing on an injury, or perhaps causing or inviting injury, in extreme cases going as far as losing a limb. Severe cases may meet the diagnostic criteria for Munchausen Syndrome (also know as Factitious Disorder). The illness or injury becomes a vehicle for gaining sympathy and thus attention. The attention-seeker excels in manipulating people through their emotions, especially that of guilt. It's very difficult not to feel sorry for someone who relates a plausible tale of suffering in a sob story or "poor me" drama.

• The saviour: in attention-seeking personality disorders like Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSBP, also known as Factitious Disorder By Proxy) the person, usually female, creates opportunities to be centre of attention by intentionally causing harm to others and then being their saviour, by saving their life, and by being such a caring, compassionate person. Few people realise the injury was deliberate. The MSBP mother or nurse may kill several babies before suspicions are aroused. When not in saviour mode, the saviour may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous, of the person or persons she is saving.
  

• The rescuer: particularly common in family situations, she's the one who will dash in and "rescue" people whenever the moment is opportune - to herself, that is. She then gains gratification from basking in the glory of her humanitarian actions. She will prey on any person suffering misfortune, infirmity, illness, injury, or anyone who has a vulnerability. The act of rescue and thus the opportunities for gaining attention can be enhanced if others are excluded from the act of rescue; this helps create a dependency relationship between the rescuer and rescued which can be exploited for further acts of rescue (and attention) later. When not in rescue mode, the rescuer may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous, of the person she is rescuing.
  

• The organiser: she may present herself as the one in charge, the one organising everything, the one who is reliable and dependable, the one people can always turn to. However, the objective is not to help people (this is only a means to an end) but to always be the centre of attention.
  

• The manipulator: she may exploit family relationships, manipulating others with guilt and distorting perceptions; although she may not harm people physically, she causes everyone to suffer emotional injury. Vulnerable family members are favourite targets. A common attention-seeking ploy is to claim she is being persecuted, victimised, excluded, isolated or ignored by another family member or group, perhaps insisting she is the target of a campaign of exclusion or harassment.
  

• The mind-poisoner: adept at poisoning peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions of others, especially against the current target.
  

• The drama queen: every incident or opportunity, no matter how insignificant, is exploited, exaggerated and if necessary distorted to become an event of dramatic proportions. Everything is elevated to crisis proportions. Histrionics may be present where the person feels she is not the centre of attention but should be. Inappropriate flirtatious behaviour may also be present.
  

• The busy bee: this individual is the busiest person in the world if her constant retelling of her life is to be believed. Everyday events which are regarded as normal by normal people take on epic proportions as everyone is invited to simultaneously admire and commiserate with this oh-so-busy person who never has a moment to herself, never has time to sit down, etc. She's never too busy, though, to tell you how busy she is.
  

• The feigner: when called to account and outwitted, the person instinctively uses the denial - counterattack - feigning victimhood strategy to manipulate everyone present, especially bystanders and those in authority. The most effective method of feigning victimhood is to burst into tears, for most people's instinct is to feel sorry for them, to put their arm round them or offer them a tissue. There's little more plausible than real tears, although as actresses know, it's possible to turn these on at will. Feigners are adept at using crocodile tears. From years of practice, attention-seekers often give an Oscar-winning performance in this respect. Feigning victimhood is a favourite tactic of bullies and harassers to evade accountability and sanction. When accused of bullying and harassment, the person immediately turns on the water works and claims they are the one being bullied or harassed - even though there's been no prior mention of being bullied or harassed. It's the fact that this claim appears only after and in response to having been called to account that is revealing. Mature adults do not burst into tears when held accountable for their actions.
  

• The false confessor: this person confesses to crimes they haven't committed in order to gain attention from the police and the media. In some cases people have confessed to being serial killers, even though they cannot provide any substantive evidence of their crimes. Often they will confess to crimes which have just been reported in the media. Some individuals are know to the police as serial confessors. The false confessor is different from a person who make a false confession and admits to a crime of which they are accused because of emotional pressure and inappropriate interrogation tactics.
  

• The abused: a person claims they are the victim of abuse, sexual abuse, rape etc as a way of gaining attention for themselves. Crimes like abuse and rape are difficult to prove at the best of times and their incidence is so common that it is easy to make a plausible claim as a way of gaining attention.
  

• The online victim: this person uses Internet chat rooms and forums to allege that they've been the victim of rape, violence, harassment, abuse etc. The alleged crime is never reported to the authorities, for obvious reasons. The facelessness and anonymity of the Internet suits this type of attention seeker.
  

• The victim: she may intentionally create acts of harassment against herself, eg send herself hate mail or damage her own possessions in an attempt to incriminate a fellow employee, a family member, neighbour, etc. Scheming, cunning, devious, deceptive and manipulative, she will identify her "harasser" and produce circumstantial evidence in support of her claim. She will revel in the attention she gains and use her glib charm to plausibly dismiss any suggestion that she herself may be responsible. However, a background check may reveal that this is not the first time she has had this happen to her.
  

Yeah..I was surprised when I learned there was this much things going on without I even knowing more than half of them..so, you may never know that you might actually suffering from this kind of personality disorder..take a good look within yourself..get a mirror or even better a close friend to ascertain for you..hahaha..what about me??I'm in a whole different degree..ever heard of narcissist??it's not in the family of narcotic..Narcissist are sufferers from  Narcissistic Personality Disorder..characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity and self-importance, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, people with narcissistic personality disorder overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments, often appearing boastful and pretentious, whilst correspondingly underestimating and devaluing the achievements and accomplishments of others..sounds familiar??heh..since we are here already, I'll tell you a bit about this awesome personality I happen to have..according to the DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder are a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, as indicated by at least five of:

1. a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, ie unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, ie takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

charming aren't they..I have 1,2 and 9 with a couple more which didn't stand out much..fortunately I don't have the need of envying, admiration or even entitlement..so maybe I'm not so much of a narcissist but something even more..then again, saying that itself is narcissistical(actually not a word)..I left you guys to ponder on your own then..good luck finding the real you..hehe ^^

C&P XII

Below is my newest post in Preschool Troopers blogsite..just that I think it'll be a great addition to my post list here too..hehehe..no c&p for a long time after all..

"Sahaja aku meletakkan post ini..sudah hampir setengah tahun kita menjadi guru sebenar..bagaimana perasaan rakan-rakan yang lain??aku masih kadang2 keliru dihambat kemalasan dan rasa ingin berseronok dengan tanggungjawab dan juga idealisme aku sendiri..saban kali aku bangun di awal pagi dan terus berfikir "Malasnye rase nak pegi sekolah arie nie.."..dan ianya tidak berhenti di situ sahaja..sambil aku bersiap, membersihkan diri, menyarungkan baju hinggalah aku melangkah keluar dari rumah pertanyaan demi pertanyaan seperti itu menyebu benakku..aku kira aku masih lagi belum memperoleh kembali sifat ikhlas dalam melakukan sesuatu..atau mungkin keikhlasan sudah hilang sama sekali akibat sedemikian lama diketepikan..tetapi, aku masih lagi mengheret diriku setiap hari ke bangunan sekolah dan mengajar anak-anak kecil itu dengan sedaya yang aku mampu..aku tidak membenci pekerjaan ini..malah inilah yang aku cita-citakan semenjak kecil..aku gembira bergaul dengan murid-muridku, melihat mereka membuat kerja yang ku beri, membuka minda mereka terhadap perkara2 baru dan hanya duduk memantau tingkahlaku mereka dengan asyik dan penuh perhatian..malam hari pula aku merancang tekun proses p&p yang bakal aku jalankan pula pada keesokan harinya..berhempas-pulas aku memerah idea agar aktiviti-aktiviti yang aku rancangkan itu mempunyai kesinambungan dan dapat memberi pengetahuan baru kepada semua kanak-kanak itu..jadi mengapa wujudnya pemikiran yang negatif itu setiap kali aku bangun dari tidur dengan penuh kesegaran dan kesediaan menempuh satu hari yang baru??hubungan aku dengan rakan sekerja, pihak pentadbiran malah anggota-anggota bukan guru juga tidak menemui sebarang masalah yang boleh mengundang rasa tidak selesa dalam menjalankan tugas..tetapi mengapa kemalasan itu masih wujud sehingga kini??apakah itu semua hasutan iblis laknatullah yang ingin menggagalkan usaha aku mendidik anak Adam??atau itu semua datangnya dari keinginan aku sendiri yang aku pendamkan sedalam-dalamnya..aku kurang pasti..bagaimana pula dengan rakan-rakan??wujudkah kelemahan seperti ini dalam diri kamu semua??kalau ada, secepatnya perbetulkanlah niat anda untuk bekerja..mudah-mudahan pekerjaan yang diusahakan itu menjadi ibadat yang memberatkan timbangan anda di akhirat kelak..wallahualam.."