Drowning =P

helpless..suffocating..slowly drowning into the sea of despairs..losing my spirit to move and fight on..I can not feel anymore zealousness..I'm drifting further and further away inside coffined thought of self-pitying..each miss action which I take is making me hate and hating myself even more..while I seek something to keep me apart, I experienced lost in my soul..what is going on??not everything is making any sense to me now..how much longer am I going to fall??I'm not sure until I have reach the bottom..is this the end??I wonder..
But, I haven't tried everything I have yet..when I look back into those many years spent to get here before, I can't let it over just this easy..I want to keep on struggling..try everything until I have nothing more left to attempt..even then, I can't let it go free from my grasp..I shall clench my fists and drag my beaten down being toward any path that I see..as long as I have me, I won't stop..I shall not be halted..even slowly, but surely I will...

"man is not made for defeat..a man can be destroyed, but not defeated" Ernest Hemingway - The Old Man And The Sea..

A new episode..

My life travel had always been a smooth ride..the road itself is very pleasant, straight, wide and less bumpy..for sure things always turn my way and that served me real well..because of that, I've turned into a guy with no interest for a higher goals or anything as fancy..moderation..that's how I am today..
enough about me alone..it's the story of my new environment and me..I had been placed in an area which I considered quite remote..this latest home of mine differ from my usual settlement with a vast magnitude..let say 10th to 20th times the differences rate..not that it's uncivilized or anything but the differences is in term of languages, customs and norms generally..the divergence is so great that while I'm reluctant to say it but I've really been thrown off balance for quite a while now..I've lost sight of my early goals and now dragging myself into each passing days without a real sense of what I'm doing..well that may sound a bit abroad but in a way it is true..facing a new type of environment, language is vital tool for overcoming the other barriers..and I'm having trouble in communication sometimes..which is not a good symptom..several times I felt dispirited and that coming here was a bad idea..that I'm not suitable for this kind of workplace situation etc..
am I going to back away??chicken out now??
no..I guess not..I'm not so great to say I'll find a way to turn things around..I'm no idealist to try every possible insights and ideas out..it's just I know thing will turn out my way in the end..it has always been like that in the past and that how it shall always be in my future..all this troubles, challenges are but one or two of the bumps in my less bumpy travel route..I know, this is my way, and it will suit me well..

testing..

my 1st post in here since my new placement in rural area of Sabah..just checking if it's possible to post a decent stuff with this awfully low coverage I'm getting..here goes..

Posting Concluded..

I'm going to Sabah..yay for me ^^..hehe..things might be going to get tough on me but this is what I asked for..so I'm very excited because given the chance to go there..now I can look up for a speedy recovery..

Bed-Ridden =(

I got Chicken-Pox XD..sigh..now, the me that I look is not the me that I wish to see..I just hope this will all end soon..it's hurting my pride badly..

Whimps..

too much free times can led to boredom..that's where I ended myself now..sigh..while rumming through my songs collection, I found several which had been my favorite back in the younger days..the thing is, most of them are english songs..only a few of the Malay song get me hyped up..come to think of it, I rarely listen to any Malay song or band except for XPDC or Butterfingers during those time..not that I had anything skeptic toward our local music industries, but it just didn't occur to me back then..I never favor any artists or band but only their songs..still the same even now..anyway, it made me think deeply..why was I attracted to them??what kind of thing that I found in them??how is it theirs any difference than ours??when I hit myself with these questions, I realized an answer..it's the LYRICS..yup..the word in their songs fascinated me the most..again, no skepticism to our local song writers or whatever..I was in love with how they put the words together making them into a fine song..when I listen to those song, I can imagine all sort of images in my mind..all of them led by the story of the song..here's one of the lyric which I'm hearing right now..what kind of story can u make out of this one??

Blurry-Puddle Of Mudd

Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I Stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far


Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
So make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I Stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
Know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well, you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me


Oh,
Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to run away
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to run away

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

NOOOOOO!

This pain you gave to me

This pain you gave to me

Take it all away

Take it all away

This pain you gave to me

This pain you gave to me

Take it all away

This pain you gave to me

let me state this again..I'm bored..so this is what killing time meant right??

These Final Moment..

been busy with the kissm..and also the connection was not so good these past couple of days actually..so I hadn't made any new entry so far..this 1??I'm in the middle of packing up my stuffs right now..taking a short break and thought maybe I'll update my blog for a bit..plus the connection is going rather smoothly so I can't let this opportunity slip pass me by..after, this maybe the last time I'll be texting in this journal of mine as a student..heh..really now..the idea of me becoming a working guy seems so close now but it still feels unreal just as much..I'd visualized myself in the situation for thousands of times already..yet I can't grasped the reality of those visions just yet..does this means that even though I act composed and steady all the time I'm still scared inside..sigh..that is so immature of me..looks like there's more that I need to learn for the time to come..well, learning will never stops after all..hehehe =p